


There's Nothing I Can Say

by waytoooutoftouch



Series: Can We Try That? [3]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana means well, Angst, F/F, Galaxy Gals, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attack, takes place post Words Fail, zolana
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 23:30:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11747409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waytoooutoftouch/pseuds/waytoooutoftouch
Summary: Alana had just wanted to help.She always did.When Evan sent her Connor’s suicide note, she had seen it as an opportunity. After all, the Connor Project was about knowing that you’re not alone, right?--Zoe goes to Alana's house after finding out about Evan's lie (post-Words Fail).Alana deals with having posted Connor's note online.Tears are shed, hugs are given, and I'm gay for these two.





	There's Nothing I Can Say

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, look at that, I'm back from the dead.  
> Okay, so this takes place after Words Fail, after Alana publishes Connor's note, and it follows the canon, except Zoe and Evan never dated, they just became close friends.  
> I feel like there's something else I'm forgetting to say, yikes.  
> And sorry for any typos/if it's bad.

Alana had just wanted to help.

She always did.

When Evan sent her Connor’s suicide note, she had seen it as an opportunity. After all, the Connor Project was about knowing that you’re not alone, right? And the community had responded so well to her posting the emails between him and Evan. She had gotten countless messages since then, people thanking her and telling her about their lives, and how the Connor Project had helped them. So, wouldn’t posting Connor’s note have the same effect?

She had been optimistic about it, and hopeful that it would give the Kickstarter for the orchard the boost that it needed to reach $50,000. 

Now, she was sitting at her computer, staring in disbelief at her computer. They reached their goal! The Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard was going to be a reality!

She squealed in excitement, allowing herself a few moments to be proud. Then she immediately opened up a new document, so she could start drafting a post to let the community know.

And her doorbell rang.

And she blinked in surprise.

Who could be at her house? Alana’s parents were both out, and she didn’t exactly have a lot of friends who would come over. 

She pondered this in her head as she left her room and went down the stairs. Was it Evan? Maybe he came over to celebrate the success of the Kickstarter. . .

However, when she opened the door, she wasn’t faced with Evan Hansen, her co-president. Instead, she was greeted by her best friend, Zoe Murphy.

"Zoe! I wasn’t expecting you,” Alana said, opening the door further so her friend could come inside.

Once the younger girl had gotten off her porch, Alana got a clear look at her. Something was off. It reminded Alana of that night so long ago, when Zoe called her, terrified, as Connor had tried to kick down her door saying that he would kill her. It was the first time that had happened. By the time Alana had gotten there, Zoe had pushed down her feelings and become sort of numb to the whole thing, not saying much. Of course, she had eventually talked about it, but the whole thing had been worrying to watch. 

Now, this same girl had taken off her shoes and was hugging herself tightly, something Alana knew she only did in times of stress.

“What happened?” Her voice was low, gentle.

“It was Evan,” Zoe said.

That definitely wasn’t the answer she had been expecting. “Evan?”

Her best friend’s face crumpled for a moment before going blank again. Only this time, Alana could see anger there. “He wrote the note."

Alana frowned, and gently led Zoe over to the couch, where they sat down. "Zoe, what are you talking about?" No reply. "Here, start from the beginning," she prompted her.

"Evan was lying about the whole thing," Zoe said, meeting Alana's eyes.

"I-" she stuttered. "I don't understand."

"He and Connor weren't friends. They never went to the orchard," Zoe told her, her voice raw. "The whole thing, it was all a lie."

Alana didn't know what to say. The basis of their whole organization was a lie? She was devastated, both for herself and for Zoe. It was unimaginable what Zoe was going through right now. 

About a month ago, she and Zoe had a conversation, because Evan had tried to kiss her. Zoe, of course, had shut him down immediately, but that wasn't the part that she was upset about. No, upset wasn't the right word. Alana couldn't think of the right word, but she could remember talking with Zoe about everything Evan told her about Connor, how Connor had apparently liked her, and noticed all the small things, and actually wanted to be close with her. This Connor had conflicted with the Connor that Zoe knew.

"For the longest time, I couldn't mourn him, because you know how awful he was to me. And now, it looks like he was a completely different person with Evan, like how he used to be. Is it my fault we grew apart? What did I do wrong?" Zoe had asked her that night, on the verge of tears. 

Alana shook her head, clearing her thoughts so she could focus on the matter at hand. "Zoe, I'm so sorry."

"The Connor Project, everything, none of it was true!" Zoe couldn't take it anymore, and burst into sobs. Alana had never felt so helpless, but she took the younger girl into her arms. 

"Sh, it's okay."

"He lied to me! He lied to my family!"

"I know, I'm sorry."

"And you know the awful part? That, that lie," she practically spat out, "it was probably the only thing keeping my parents together."

Every cell in Alana's body wanted to comfort her, to reassure her that wasn't true. But she knew too well the extent of Larry and Cynthia's arguing. Zoe tried not to let it bring her down, she tried to remain the cheery person she had always been, but it had been difficult. It was only after the Connor Project had started that her parents began to get along again.

Zoe sat up, wiping her tears away. "Evan lied to me, and made me feel bad for hating my brother. He made me feel like I was the bad guy, even if he didn't mean to."

"Zoe, hey, look at me," Alana ducked her head to meet her eyes. "You didn't do anything wrong. Connor was, he was an asshole," she said, and Zoe laughed half-heartedly at hearing her swear. "You're allowed to feel the way you do." Sure, it sounded preachy, but Alana knew that she needed to hear the facts. Zoe nodded, sniffling, and Alana leaned across the couch to grab a box of tissues. "Feel better?"

"No," she replied, blunt as ever, as she took a tissue. "But, that's expected, and it'll get better over time."

"It'll be okay," Alana assured her, pulling her into a hug.

"God, what did I do to deserve you?"

"Shut up and hug me."

They both needed it. She felt Zoe bury her face in her shoulder, taking deep breaths. Alana only wished she could do more, but she settled for holding her tight.

A few minutes later, Zoe lifted her head, her ear brushing Alana's cheek. "And all this because Connor's note got out."

Alana's blood ran cold. "What did you say?"

They let go of each other, moving back, and Zoe wiped away the last of her tears. "Connor's note got out. Well, I guess it was Evan's, but it was leaked onto the Internet."

Her body stiffened, and she swallowed before asking, "How is that related to finding out about Evan's lie?"

Next to her, Zoe shifted, unaware. "There were people harassing us, calling my phone, doing really stupid, immature things. And Evan came over, and my parents were arguing in front of us, about what the note said and how they let Connor down, and he just, it just came out."

"Oh my God," Alana said to herself. This was all her fault. She could feel her breaths shortening, and she gripped the couch cushion tightly, trying to ground herself. This was not the time to break down. Zoe needed her. But her panic kept rising.

"Alana?" Zoe was in front of her. "What's going-" she cut herself off. "Are you okay?"

"Zoe," she breathed, blinking and grabbing her hand. _You don't deserve to hold her hand. You ruined her life._ No, no, no. She shook her head, and managed to stutter out an apology.

"Hey, c'mere." And Zoe had let go of her hand and was trying to pull her into a hug. But she couldn't. She couldn't let Zoe hug her after she leaked her brother's supposed suicide note. After her family received endless hate because of Alana's actions. 

"No!" Alana exclaimed, jerking back and attempting to stand up, to go to the bathroom, so she could calm down and look at the situation rationally. But her legs were weak, and she stumbled before falling to the ground on all fours.

Immediately, Zoe was next to her. "Alana, please look at me."

_You did this to her._ Alana squeezed her eyes shut, giving in to the blind panic, and she felt her entire body seize up. _You ruined her life._

"It's okay," Zoe's voice came from in front of her, but Alana could barely make it out. She was gasping out 'I'm sorry's in between frantic breaths and her chest was tight so /so/ tight, and in front of her, Zoe grabbed her arms trying to tell her to breathe but in that moment, Alana needed to apologize more than she needed to breath, and the apologies were spilling out on top of each other. Her lungs were screaming for air, but she needed to apologize or things would somehow get worse because she knew that was how it always worked.

At this point, she could feel herself shaking like a leaf, and she never felt more pathetic. _How can you break down in front of her after what you did?_ Then, Zoe's hands cupped her cheeks, wiping away her tears, and Alana realized she was crying on top of everything. "Alana, please, focus on me," Zoe's voice cracked, and she realized that the younger girl was probably terrified, and _Goddamnit_ she had been doing so well, she hadn't had a panic attack in ages, yet here she was, having her worst one yet.

"It was me," Alana gasped, opening her eyes, and staring at the floor, at Zoe's knees, because she didn't deserve to look her in the eyes. "I-" _She's already been betrayed by one friend today, how could you do this to her?_ She shook her head, trying her best to get her breathing under control. _Tell her._ "I'm trying," she said, her chest seizing up.

"I don't know what you're saying, but it's not important," Zoe said, trying to catch her eyes. "Breathe, Alana, breathe with me." 

"No, I,-" Alana stuttered, continuing to hyperventilate and feeling more pathetic by the moment. She had to say it. "I posted the note," she managed, before gasping for air.

Zoe's hands, wiping away her tears, went still. "You- what?" 

"I posted the note, and now you're upset, and I ruined your life, and it's my fault, I'm sorry Zoe, oh my God I'm sorry," she said in between breaths. The younger girl said nothing, and Alana broke down into sobs, unable to breathe, squeezing her eyes shut before opening them again.

Her arms were numb, yet she still felt incredibly hot, and this was how she was going to die, wasn't it? _You deserve it._ She shook her head again, feeling dizzy.

And then Zoe's hands were on her shoulders, she was ducking her head to try and make eye contact, but the lights in the living room were too bright, and all she could hear was the thumping of her heart and her panicked breaths, and everything was buzzing, and the last thing she saw was Zoe's face.  
-  
  
  
-  
  
  
-  
Her head was pounding. That was the first thing she registered. The second thing was that she was lying down, and the carpet was rough and scratchy. What happened?

Alana groaned, and immediately regretted it. Yup, she definitely had a headache. A distance away, there was a gasp, and several footsteps. Then a hand on her arm.

A familiar voice. "Alana?" She opened her eyes, and Zoe Murphy's pale face was above her. "How're you feeling?"

"What happened?" She asked in a near whisper.

"You, uh, had a really bad panic attack and passed out."

Right. It all came back to her, and Alana closed her eyes again. "God, I'm sorry."

"We'll talk in a second," Zoe said, voice surprisingly firm. "Can you sit up?"

Instead of replying, Alana tried to push herself up on her arms, only making it halfway. She still felt incredibly weak, but before she could say anything, Zoe had her arm around her shoulders helping her sit up. Nodding a thanks, she shifted her body so she could lean against the couch.

Zoe was quick to offer her a glass of water, which she gratefully accepted. It was cool and refreshing, and helped to further reorient herself. She was still a little shaken, having never passed out during a panic attack before. It took her a moment to notice the white pill Zoe was holding out to her. 

"Tylenol? I imagine your head hurts," she said, her voice low, which Alana was grateful for.

"Thanks," she replied, taking the pill and swallowing it, before chasing it with another drink of water.

It was quiet for a moment. Then Zoe sat back, still in front of her, and Alana was reminded of the day they met, all those months ago, in a situation that was unfortunately similar to this. 

Alana took a deep breath. "I'm really sorry about everything, and," she bit her lip, "I understand if you don't want to be friends anymore." She filled the resounding silence with another drink of water.

Her best friend shook her head. "Alana, I know you. And I know you wouldn't do anything like that, like putting the note online, with malicious intention. You had a good reason, I'm sure. You've gotten so into the Connor Project, actually helping people, and I'm guessing you only posted it to help the community further."

"They would've felt less alone, the people that needed it" Alana replied. "And it would've helped the orchard, but that doesn't excuse it. I still hurt you."

"You didn't mean to. I know you would never hurt me on purpose."

"Your family, you said you were getting hate, and phone calls, and God knows what else-"

Zoe cut her off. "And it'll blow over. Everything will, they'll all lose interest and find something else."

"Everything with Evan happened because of me," she said.

"I found out the truth because of you. And yeah, it hurts, but I needed to know. And my parents, they needed to know," Zoe told her.

"Still, I'm so, so sorry," she said, looking in Zoe's eyes.

She smiled gently, reassuring. "I know you are. But I'm not the one you need to apologize to."

Alana took another deep breath. "Evan."

"Yeah. I know he was lying about the whole thing-"

"But he was my co-president, and I should've gotten his okay with it," Alana finished. "And, you have to admit, it is definitely fucked up, posting someone's suicide note online, no matter how good your intentions are."

Zoe grinned. "I'm never going to get over you cursing. And yeah, you're right, but I forgive you. As for Evan," she paused. "I can't. Not now."

"That completely understandable," she reassured her. "He lied to you about your brother's death. He lied to all of us."

"I still can't believe it," Zoe said, looking at the floor. 

She looked so lost, Alana couldn't help but reach out and grab her friend's hand. "It'll take time, but you'll be okay."

"I know, but thanks. You've done a lot, even if you don't know."

"Yeah, um," Alana swallowed. "Sorry about earlier."

"Oh my God, don't be," Zoe sat up. "You couldn't help it."

"Doesn't make it any better," Alana mumbled. "Besides, I made you worry."

"You scared the shit out of me, actually. But it's okay, I was just really worried about you, and you were so far gone and-" Zoe stopped, frowning. "It's been a while since your last panic attack."

There it was. "And that was probably one of my worst ones ever. I mean, I passed out."

The younger girl sighed, saying, "I just, I wish I could've done more. You were so scared, and I'm sorry, I froze up when you told me about the note, and then I realized you were more important."

"What?" Alana asked, blinking.

"You told me about the note, and I froze, I didn't do anything, and you got worse. Then, I realized you were more important than how I felt about a note that got online."

Zoe's hand was warm in hers, and Alana squeezed it. "That means a lot, thank you."

"Hey, look at me," Zoe said. Lifting her eyes from the carpet, Alana met her gaze, and her best friend continued. "You'll always be more important."

They were so close. When did they get so close? Alana could count Zoe's faint freckles, leftover from summer break. She opened her mouth to say something, but, as usual in these situations with Zoe, her brain short-circuited. So she settled for, "You too."

Zoe smiled softly, and from where she was, Alana could see that her lips were slightly chapped. _Oh wow._

Then, from the couch, her phone rang, and Zoe jumped back. 

Internally, Alana sighed, but she turned around and picked up her phone, checking her notifications. 

"Who is it?" Zoe asked.

Alana glared at her phone. "Jared."

"Of course it was," the other girl laughed.

Alana laughed with her, but also planned out an angry speech to Jared for ruining what might've been. _Knowing him, though, he'd probably be proud._

**Author's Note:**

> Yikes, sorry about that.  
> Also, fun fact, comments and kudos add 5+ years to my life. :)  
> HMU on tumblr.  
> @waytoooutoftouch


End file.
